Have You Met Me?

#1

I had a full twenty minute conversation with a guy at the gym who knew me, asked how my brother was, chatted with my about schoolmates and where people are now.

I have no idea who that guy was.

None.

#2

I wish every weekend could be a three-day weekend. I got so much done on Friday.

#3

I have mentioned that I think my bathroom scale is crap in the past. I probably need to get a new one because this morning, there was a 26 pound* difference from the day before.

I laugh.

I cry.

*though the 26 pounds was 26 pounds that I had weighted the day before. Maybe I should just go with that number?…. It was a very good number.

#4

I f–ing hate The Fourth of July… in my hood. Drunks and unsupervised adolescence shooting off bottle rockets all weekend long.

It is not long after a round go off that I hear the sound of an ambulance. It almost drowns out the sound of the dogs barking.

Poor little guys, those barkers, are probably going to have a nervous breakdown any moment. (I find myself thinking, ’someone’s peeing on the carpet tonight).

#5

Still, I am sad that I missed going to the top of the newly opened Statue of Liberty crown.

#6

Big cookout this afternoon at The Diva’s house.

Not to worry, I will take the laptop for, maybe, some live blogging.

#7

People, if we all stop watching all the Michael Jackson coverage, it will end.

Are you with me?

#8

Last year, fireworks over the New York City skyline. And a weekend of have you met me moments. Awh, memories. Good times, my friends, good times.

“We cannot bother him.” I remind my mother.

“What if we only talked in code and used secret names?” my mother asked.

“Like what?” I asked. “You can be Ginger and I’ll be MaryAnn? And we’ll call him, ‘The Professor.’ And, of course, Jim will be Gilligan.”

“Wait.” said my mother. “Who gets to be the glamorous movie star?”

“You.” I said. “You’re Ginger.”

“Ok then I am fine with that.” said my mother, always The Diva.

Todd was at our intern from India’s (Ifi), desk helping her with a project when he started sneezing and came over to my desk, to grab some of the tissue I had on my desk.

“Did you just go over and grab Grace’s box?” asked Ifi.

Todd immediately blushed, Ryan burst into a loud roar and I just shook my head.

“Wow.” said Todd, still blushing.

“Please,” I said, “poor Ifi doesn’t even know why that’s funny. And totally inappropriate.”

“Why is that funny?” Ifi asked, laughing but not really knowing why.

“I am not explaining that.” I said. I have already had to explain the term ‘douche bag’ to her most recent.

“I’m offended.” said Ryan.

“Really?” I asked.

Ifi said, “I don’t know what I said!”

“I’m offended,” said Ryan, not listing to Ifi, “that I got to grab nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

“I don’t know what I said.” cried Ifi.

“Would you tell her already?” asked Todd, pointing between Ifi and I, as if we had a secret to share.

“Why me?” I asked.

“‘Cause you’re a girl.” said Todd.

“Jesus Christ.” I said. Ifi was at my desk quick, waiting for me to tell her.

“It’s slang for the ‘girl parts’ below the waist.” I told her.

Ifi collapsed on the floor, embarrassed at what she said. “Oh my god.” she said, over and over again, nearly crying.

“Really.” I said, “It’s ok. It’s almost cute how you don’t get ’slang.’”

#1

I had a few minor victories at work, although painful.

Like I managed to rein in a database and import it into a plan-o-gram software program. For the record, databases are not my thing at all. I hardly get along with Excel. It took me all day to do it, but I managed to merge an existing database into a format I needed, all without the help of any of my accounting friends.

They were all busy with day 2 of close, whatever that means.

#2

Speaking of work, today the Diva, our room mother, will be delivering 4th of July treats to us. Treats are in the form of a strawberry and blueberry cheesecake, designed to look like a flag across the pan.

My coworkers have never been excited about anything so much. Well, there was that one time but was related to free alcohol.

#3

Todd might even forgive my mother about the faux pas of Flag Day where my mother left my coworkers treatless.

#4

Stiffest. Neck. Ever. Ever.

#5

Week of weirdest dreams. Ever.

#6

Tonight, at the gym, another man fell off the treadmill, trying to check himself out in the mirror as he was working out.

Does anyone else ever see this at their gym?

So….

…another day

… closer to retirement.

Or death.

Or whatever.

… the work week is half over (if you’re lucky enough to have Friday off).

We were working on cleaning up a storage room last week when Todd handed me something to put up on the top shelf. “Like I can reach that.” I said. Todd is not much taller than me.

Todd laughed and handed the product to Ryan, who is over six feet five inches tall. “Here, Giant Boy.” he said.

“I love that I am giant.” said Ryan.

“So what if you’re tall.” said Todd. “I don’t ever hit my head when I walk onto an airplane.”

“And,” I said, “I always have plenty of leg room on the plane.”

“I can reach stuff,” said Ryan, “that you can never reach.”

And as he said that, he moved over to Todd and hugged him, resting his elbow on Todd’s head. “And, I always have people to rest my tired arms upon.”

“Dude,” said Todd, “don’t touch me like that.”

I laughed and walked away, giving them their alone time.

“There’s no place for truth on the internet.”

You know that movie, where the same day keeps repeating itself? Lately, I am feeling stuck in my own personal version of ‘Groundhog’s Day.’

And, I am thinking that this movie needs to end.