Have You Met Me?

“I think I might have to start coloring my hair again.” said my mother.

She had let her hair go gray over this past year. None of her children liked this change. My mother did not care.

“Why?” I asked.

She has been visiting her parents, both in nursing homes, on the Great Plains. With a sigh, she began, “I spent the day with my mother and today, another resident of the nursing home asked me if I was moving in.”

I laughed.

It was prefect. It rounded out the other events that happen during this visit, as reported by my mother.

Like, for the first time ever, my grandfather, in a memory care clinic nursing home, had not recognized her either on this trip. Instead, he kept calling her my grandmother’s name. It was another statement that she is the spitting image of her mother, now with matching gray hair.

#1

I am so tired of being tired. I am so tired off my coworkers passing germs around. I am really hoping this week that things are better.

Because I am out of cold medicine.

#2

This morning, I was at the gym right as it was suppose to open but the computer system was down so there was about thirty of us, just standing around the lobby, waiting. An older man pushed his way through the crowd, up to where the computer is to log in and starts cussing when he cannot get in.

“Dude,” calls out a lady from the back of the group, “are you clueless?” As if we were all just standing around for fun.

He did not even react. He just continued cursing at the machine, then at the poor girl who was trying to fix the computer.

#3

I did some serious shopping this weekend. But everything I brought was from either the 70 or 80% off racks, so even with all the bags of stuff, I spent very little. ‘Cause it is all relative.

#4

On that note, I saw a purse and fell in love on Saturday afternoon. It was marked down from $299 for $65.

I did not get it.

Instead, I thought it about it and thought about it. On Sunday afternoon, I went back and got it.

Now, I am not like my mother, with a new purse every few months (or weeks). I think it has been over a year since I got my last one, so don’t even try to make me feel guilty.

#5
The best thing about pictures is that it never changes, even when the in people in the picture do.

#6

I have converted yet another to the cult known as Apple. You’re welcome.

Now if I could just get my royalty check.

#7

My mother called, from the frozen tundra up North, to tell me to go check on her house. I did as I was told and was horrified to see that her driveway had not been touched.

I did not have it in me to shovel out another driveway.

Thankfully, I was able to get my mother’s snow-blower started without a problem, after making my way to her garage (and about ten inches of snow) and things went much better than I could have ever predicted.

#8

At the mall this afternoon, to get my purse, I met up with Aunt Deb and Pink. We had a nice lunch, complete with people-watching. I must say, there are some interesting hair cuts and hair coloring going on with the kids these days.

(Yes, I might as well be 80).

#9

At the gym I go to, a local branch of the YMCA, this past week, my uncle who usually goes during the day, had his wallet and cell phone stolen out of a locker there. His locker was locked; the thief simply bended or pried back the metal of the door and stole my uncle’s stuff.

After reporting this to the management and the police, no one was shocked about the crime. I guess it happens all the time.

But I was shocked. And even more shocked that no one bothers to tell the other members. Doesn’t that seem wrong to you?

I will never be leaving anything in the locker room, I guess.

They (someone, somewhere on the news) said we got hit with 16″ of snow here along the shores of Lake Erie. I am not sure it was that much but there is a lot of it. When I opened my side door to go out and shovel, I could hardly get it open (and I am kicking myself for not getting a picture of it).

There was so much snow.

I stepped out into the world’s largest drift where the snow was almost up to my waist. I was pretty sure I had immediately frozen my girl parts.

Less than four feet away, patches of the driveway were clear.

Mother nature is a cruel bitch.

Still, shoveling was required, even though it seemed like an overwhelming task. I decided to divide it up in sections, rather than think I had to shovel the whole driveway in an attempt to fool myself that it was not as bad as it looked. I did the apron, the driveway between the sidewalk and my house and then the long stretch of driveway back to the garage. I think I was hoping that the drift would, oh you know, drift away.

It did not.

When I got done with everything but the world’s latest drift, I realized that I had no game. What is the best way to attack something like this? It was up against my house, covering about half of the width of my driveway. It seemed to overwhelming. Where was all that snow suppose to go?

It today had been a work day, I never would have made it to the office.

I threw my shovel into the center, deciding that I had to get rid of the height if I was really going to succeed. I laughed, I was suppose to meet friends for breakfast hours ago – thankfully, at 6 am, my friend sent out an e-mail canceling. I never would have made it out of my driveway, or off my street hours ago. Even now, there was no way, clear driveway or not. Even though the snow had stopped, my street still had not seen a snowplow.

It took over an hour to clear my driveway. The snow was the heaviest it had been all winter. I felt my shoulders aching with each movement as I tried to clear the drift. It took forever, and a lot of pain but I was victorious. Shovel and me 1, snow drift 0.

Inside, I immediately crawled under my down comforter and waited for a snowplow.

And then, I napped. Sure it was only 11 but already the day exhausted me.

I did not really think we’d get hit with the snowstorm; all the forecasters said it would be mostly to the south of us. But after work,  as the snow began to stick to the ground, I went to the grocery store, to get some food just in case I became snowed-in over the weekend. By the time I got out of the store, another inch of fresh snow had fallen.

Driving home, I was trying to decide if I’d go to the gym or not this evening.

When I turned the corner to come into my little neighborhood, in first gear, my car hit a patch of ice, spun around, crossed a over the curb, onto a tree lawn and came within an inch of hitting a stop sign on the other side of the street.

Right. You know, you’ve met me.

So, that was enough for me to know that the gym was not in my future this evening. Yes, yes, yes, I got the hint, Mother Nature.

My car is safely in the garage and I am all warm and cozy, under a heavy comforter, spending quality time with Rick Steves and dreaming of a trip to Europe.

For fun later on, I may go online and buy some new bras. Oh internet, how you tempt me.

Don’t ever think my life is not wild. Ever.

This morning, I heard something drop from the shelf in my bathroom and hit the heating vent as I was standing in front of the mirror, putting on makeup. And then, I noticed that one really nice piece of jewelry I owe, was missing. I quickly ran into my bedroom, to see if it was in my jewelry box.

It was not.

I went back into the bathroom and looked around, behind the toilet, where the heating vent was located. There was a slight gap between the wall and the vent. “Shit.” I said out-loud, to only myself.

I oh so gracefully got down on my knees and crawled between the toilet and the wall, attempting to pull of the vent without jarring anything too much, not waiting to knock the missing necklace down the air-duct.

Cause, you know, you’ve met me.

Thankfully, it was there, teetering on the edge of the top of the air duct. I scoped it up, thanking god, karma or whatever it is, and pushed the vent cover back into place.

Downstairs, a few minutes later, I dropped my breakfast, whole wheat toast, on the kitchen floor. Butter side down.

Of course.

Later in the day, I managed to drop a mirror, a prop for a photo shoot and tried to duck as it shattered. I was blessed with broken glass in my face. A cut just below my eyebrow to complete the unfortunate turn of events.

So then, I came home and went to bed.

“How’s the new purse?” I asked my mother. She got a new purse and spent the evening moving into it.

“I don’t really know.” she said. “I haven’t taken it for a test drive yet.”

I guess I did not know we were suppose to take purses for test drives. This explains why my mother has her very own purse closet and I do not.

“Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.”

- Jonathan Safran Foer (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)

“I don’t know where my prints went.” I announced to my coworkers. I had checked every printer in the area and they were no where to be found.

“You don’t know where your pants went?” asked Ryan, hearing what he wanted to.

I laughed. “Well, I sometimes don’t know where those are either, but usually there is more alcohol involved.”